Artur Andrzej
We've read unpredictable novels that astound us with every chapter, but seldom do we read headlines for an article that possess the same quality with every syllable.Mark Twain famously observed that ‘Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.’ Twain adapted this from verses of Lord Byron’s epic poem “Don Juan.”
A recent report by Brooke Steinberg published in the NY Post, certainly qualifies stranger than fiction.
We’ve read unpredictable novels that astound us with every chapter, but seldom do we read headlines for an article that possess the same quality with every syllable.
Every section of the headline will be revealed, along with relevant details of this unpredictable story.
The headline began with:
“Death-defying neuroscientist….”
At 15, Mercedes Valentine was diagnosed with a condition that causes weak joints and bones, which left her wheelchair-bound. Following a strict regimen of physical therapy for two years, Valentine achieved the seemingly unimaginable of being mobile.
Next, she attended university and graduated with a first-class degree in neuroscience. She seemed set to follow her doctor parents’ footsteps. This is an inspiring story of the triumph of the human spirit. But there is more.
The next syllables of the headline are..
“Death-defying neuroscientist-turned-OnlyFans model…”
To maintain her fitness at university, Valentine joined the gym and signed up for pole-dancing lessons. But instead of working at a healthcare service provider or a neuroscience laboratory after graduation, Valentine heeded a friend from her pole-dancing class and joined a strip club. It’s fair to call this an unusual career path.
But within months, the COVID-19 lockdowns were imposed, and the clubs were shut down. To support herself, Valentine joined OnlyFans.
OnlyFans is an online platform chiefly used by adult performers to sell their content, such as photos, videos, and live streaming. At OnlyFans, Valentine earned over $250,000 in 2022, placing her among the top 0.1% of OnlyFans’ performers. By 2024, Valentine bought a house for over $900,000 and a blue Porsche Taycan Turbo for over $100,000.
<img alt captext="Artur Andrzej” class=”post-image-right” src=”https://conservativenewsbriefing.com/wp-content/uploads/2025/03/a-remarkable-headline-for-a-fascinating-story.jpg” width=”450″>
She celebrated her parents’ 60th birthdays and retirement with her extended family, but when it was time to return home, Valentine took her motorcycle instead of going in the car with everyone else.
Now for the next few syllables of the remarkable headline:
“Death-defying neuroscientist-turned-OnlyFans model confronts life with memory loss — after brutal bike accident.”
Valentine’s fondness for motorcycles began during her childhood when she rode around with her father. But the ride following family celebrations with her parents proved to be near-fatal; she fractured her nose, skull, shoulder, and four ribs. She also suffered a smashed eye socket and a shattered pelvis.
The accident also caused her to suffer from memory loss such that she couldn’t even recognize herself in the mirror.
She said it was “confusing and emotionally challenging to come to terms with,” and that she “had to start living and adapting to doing so, as a different person.”
Valentine could have been confined to a wheelchair, but she overcame the seemingly most insurmountable challenge in her life with determination and effort. She accomplished much more in academics. She reaped financial gains with her foray into OnlyFans, only for it to be cruelly snatched away. A sad turn of events.
But there is even more to this story. So here’s the entire headline
“Death-defying neuroscientist-turned-OnlyFans model confronts life with memory loss — after brutal bike accident caused by a pigeon.”
You read that correctly, Valentine’s serious accident wasn’t caused by a speeding vehicle from the opposite direction, but a pigeon.
Following the accident, Valentine didn’t engage in self-pity; she accepted that she had erred gravely and even had a sense of humor about it.
She revealed she was speeding down a residential street where a pigeon perched on a lamppost ahead of her suddenly swooped down and hit her head-on. Valentine attempted to dodge the bird, but the suddenness of the occurrence prevented her from doing so. Perhaps her attempts to avoid the bird caused her to lose control of her bike, which crashed into a parked car at the side of the road. The impact caused Valentine to be flung 260 feet into the air and land six houses down from where she was initially.
Bystanders called an ambulance.
Fortunately for Valentine, her parents, and older sister, all of whom are doctors, were following her by car.
“I was lying in the road for about two minutes before they arrived. I was blue and not responding, my pupils were dilated, and it was assumed I was dead. My dad ultimately saved my life, as he took off my helmet to stop it from choking me and stop the bleeding as best he could.” Valentine revealed later.
She joked that “everyone around was completely devastated, worrying if I’d ever be the same again. Yet, I was on cloud nine, probably because of all the morphine I was on.”
After being treated for a month in the hospital, Valentine was discharged to go home. It was then she realized just how bad her memory loss was.
Does this memory loss make Valentine an unreliable narrator regarding the events surrounding her accident?
We assume her claims were based on the accounts of others present at the location of the accident and that the Post did their due diligence in reporting. If not, this adds another baffling dimension to this story.
Once again, Valentine emerged fairly well from seemingly insurmountable situations. The Post reveals that Valentine attempted a return to Only Fans, but her fans were focused on the change in her appearance caused by the accident, such as the scars and bruises.
Valentine also revealed she is back on her bike.
Hopefully, she will make a full recovery so she can pursue the career she desires.
Perhaps she will make another unusual choice and return to neuroscience research to pioneer a cure for her condition that will enable the recovery of her memory. That would truly make this story even more singular.
Valentine’s life so far has all the elements to make it a riveting book and eventually a movie.
There is the triumph of the human spirit, there is irony, there are unexpected twists, and it is darkly funny, but it seems to all end well. Had this been a plot of a film or a novel, the creator would earn plaudits for being imaginative, or maybe critics would have slammed the plot for seeming contrived and unrealistic.
Valentine’s life has the unpredictability of a Hitchcock film, the bizarre and darkly funny aspects of a Coen brother film, and even the inspiring moments of Stallone’s Rocky films.
Now for the Post headline.
We are living in times where the mainstream media delivers a lot for which they deserve brickbats. There’s biased reporting, incomplete information, blatant slander, propaganda, etc. What is also absent are the wordsmithing abilities that news media articles once possessed that caused readers to marvel over the construction of sentences and the inventive usage of words.
This headline is a surprising elevation of standards; it not only summarizes the content of the piece but also manages to astound and amuse with every word.
As a writer, composing a catchy, terse, and suitable headline has always been a challenge; perhaps that is why I cannot help but admire the effort.
Image: Artur Andrzej
