Saturday Night Live’s cold open this weekend featured former President Donald Trump at the site of the toxic train derailment in East Palestine, Ohio, giving a meandering speech that took aim at topics ranging from Rihanna’s Super Bowl halftime performance to Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg.
The thirteenth episode of the new season began with James Austin Johnson’s Trump delivering an address while flanked by residents of East Palestine — “Not a great name” — and repeatedly veering off-topic.
OHIO TRAIN DERAILMENT: TRUMP HAS A MESSAGE FOR BIDEN FROM EAST PALESTINE — ‘GET OVER HERE’
“I had to come here and see these wonderful people who have been abandoned by [President Joe] Biden. He’s on spring break in Ukraine with his friend [Ukrainian President Volodymyr] Zelensky in the t-shirt, very disrespectful,” Trump said. “But I’m here and I’ve brought hats, cameras and hats, because its terrible whats happening here.”
“You know, earlier today, a farmer came up to me, big fellow, and he said, ‘Sir, we have nothing to eat because our dirt is poisoned,’ and I said, ‘Well, what are you doing eating the dirt?’ Don’t eat the dirt folks. Don’t eat the dirt.’ You should be eating the cold McDonald’s I brought you,” he continued.
The fictional Trump then got sidetracked and brought up Rihanna’s halftime show, which the real Trump had panned as the “worst” of all time.
“I’ve heard all about your situation with the water, but I was looking at your river and its so shiny,” Johnson’s Trump said. “I’ve never seen water so beautiful. Beautiful rainbows and discolorations, its great. It’s wearing makeup, Fenty Beauty water.”
“Rihanna, by the way, you know she was pregnant doing Super Bowl, can you believe that?” he added. “I said, ‘Of course she is, she’s not moving at all. It was just arms, right?’ She was just doing arms the whole time.”
Turning back to the hazardous disaster sparked by the derailment, Trump lambasted the current transportation secretary for his response to the crisis.
“Your train exploded and who do we blame? Who do we blame? We blame Buttigieg. Pete Buge-dege-edge. This was his responsibility, unfortunately he was too busy being a nerd and being gay to help with the very much more important issue of should trains have big poison,” Trump said. “I call him Pete Butt. There’s no way around it that’s just the best one. Believe me, I’ve tried it every which way, and it really doesn’t get any better than Pete Butt.”
Later on, Trump said he felt like he could “Schitt’s Creek this place,” in reference to the award-winning sitcom about a wealthy family forced to live in a small, working-class town, before bringing out his surprise guest: Emily Kohrs, the forewoman of Georgia special grand jury that investigated Trump’s efforts to overturn the 2020 election.
“You’ve seen her blabbing all over TV this week,” Trump said while introducing Kohrs, played by Chloe Fineman.
“She’s an odd duck but we like her,” he added as Fineman’s Kohrs made unintelligible noises. “She’s either seven or 40 we can’t tell. But she’s got a very big secret for such a kooky little lady.”
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“Potentially, I might. I don’t know,” Kohrs replied. “You just want me to ruin the case, but I guess I can say that we have been saying your name a lot.”
“Can you believe that? They almost had me and then this little horse girl comes in and saves the day,” Trump said with a smile. “Do we like her or what? She looks like Haley Joel Osment and she’s my best friend!”
