Cosmopolitan was always the trashiest of the ladies’ magazines one could pick up at your local Shop-Rite check-out aisle, but the dying of print and the squeeze put upon whatever shopping lane business they were still doing by self-checkout apparently has the editors over at Cosmo pretty desperate these days.
So, they decided it was high time to profile Samuel Alito’s Mom’s Satanic [Abortion] Clinic. Seriously.
“Samuel Alito’s Mom’s Satanic Abortion Clinic. Does it sound like pure clickbait? Sure,” the writers admitted in the piece, published Nov. 14.
“But beneath the outlandish branding lies a sincere mission: The New Mexico–based telehealth practice, a legitimate medical entity run by an accredited clinical team, offers abortion care to patients within state lines.
“The staff prescribes abortion pills (at $91 per set, a competitive price) up until the eleventh week of pregnancy and offers 24/7 phone access to licensed medical personnel to anyone in need. It’s just that they’re also Satanists, members of a religious organization called The Satanic Temple.”
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The Temple, Cosmo said, “chose New Mexico for a few reasons. It has about 3,300 members in the state, a robust base of potential need. New Mexico is also considered an abortion-rights stronghold, lacking oppressive laws dictating gestational limits, age restrictions, waiting periods, and mandatory ‘counseling.’
“Here, unlike in neighboring states Texas and Oklahoma, it’s still legal for doctors and nurse practitioners to prescribe abortion pills remotely and have them mailed to patients for safe use at home,” the report said. “Anyone traveling to New Mexico from out of state can use a P.O. box or a friend or family member’s address — even a hotel’s.”
My initial (flippant, sardonic) reaction was that the abortion mill industry had always been satanic and its high time satanists themselves got a bit of the action. Where’s the representation here, people? Planned Parenthood may be doing the work of the devil, but how many devil-worshippers are filling key roles in the organization? Check your demonic privilege, PP.
Anyway, like the usual establishment media reports on anything related to the Satanic Temple, Cosmo is quick to point out “that Satanists don’t actually worship the devil” and that its “roughly 1.5 million global members view Satan more like a mascot, one depicted not as a dark, omniscient deity but as a literary character.”
Should abortion be outlawed?
Yes: 75% (3 Votes)
No: 25% (1 Votes)
A literary character who acts, um, a lot like the devil. As popular YouTuber Ruslan KD noted, it was “the most demonic thing I’ve ever seen.”
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Take what Cosmo calls “the optional ceremonial aspects of the Satanic abortion ritual” as recommended by the TST.
“First, you find a quiet space. Bring a mirror if you can. Just before taking the medication, gaze at your reflection and focus on your personhood. Home in on your intent, your responsibility to you. Take a few deep, relaxing breaths. When you’re ready, read the following tenet aloud: One’s body is inviolable, subject to one’s own will alone,” Cosmo reports.
“Take the medication and immediately afterward, recite, Beliefs should conform to one’s best scientific understanding of the world. One should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit one’s beliefs.
“Later, once your body expels the aborted tissue, return to your reflection. Focus again on your personhood, your power in making this decision. Complete the ritual by reciting a personal affirmation: By my body, my blood; by my will, it is done.“
Yes, these people clearly believe that Satan is just a mascot, the same way that the people running Black Lives Matter clearly aren’t grifters.
These were the steps explained to Jessica* (the asterisk meaning that’s not her real name; if an abortion is so normal and righteous, why the asterisk and the pseudonym, hmm?), a patient of the troll teleabortion clinic.
“I think it’s genius,” the 37-year-old mother of three told Cosmo as she drove her children around Albuquerque.
“She’s also pregnant but not for long. A set of abortion pills is waiting for her back home, thanks to speedy shipping via Samuel Alito’s Mom’s Satanic team,” Cosmo noted. “Jessica and her husband don’t want any more children, especially given her history of super-high-risk pregnancies.”
“Jessica decided to incorporate some ceremonial aspects into her solo abortion experience,” Cosmo reported. “Why not? she thought. The overall messaging just clicked with her.”
Yes, one imagines that it would. After all, this is what satanism is: The worship of the self while we’re here on earth. It’s the literal deal with the devil that we make, playing the long odds on Pascal’s wager.
Don’t want another child — or a child, period? It’s all about you. Do a few rituals to convince yourself that it’s all about you.
“The experience was just very supportive,” Jessica told Cosmo. “I think that’s the biggest thing — they really reinforce that this is your decision and your choice and that you are supported.”
Yes, that’s the important thing — while we’re here, anyway. Eternity might reveal harsher realities, however.
