The ESPYs were on Thursday night. Spoiler alert in case you had literally anything better to do: a bunch of people with many more prestigious awards won another less prestigious award, for the most part.
The best NFL player, according to ESPN’s list of winners, was the Kansas City Chiefs’ Patrick Mahomes — three-time Super Bowl champion, three-time Super Bowl MVP, two time NFL MVP and two-time first-team All-Pro. Best MLB player: Shohei Ohtani, the pitcher and designated hitter, now with the Los Angeles Dodgers, who is a four-time All-Star and two-time American League MVP. (The odds were pretty stacked against anyone else winning the award. Just ask his translator.)
The best driver was Max Verstappen, the Formula 1 Red Bull driver who is currently on pace to win his fourth straight driver’s championship and set the record for most wins in a season — 19 out of 22 last year, replacing his prior record of 15 out of 22 back in 2022. And now, they’re all ESPY winners — which, you know, is clearly the highlight of their collective careers.
However, there are the awards won for one’s character off the field, track, pitch or court. The Arthur Ashe Award for Courage is one of the most prestigious, going to those whose contributions to the game transcend what they accomplish on the field. This year’s winner was Steve Gleason, the New Orleans Saints player famous for blocking a punt in the Saints’ first game back in the Superdome after Hurricane Katrina and sparking the rebirth of the franchise; Gleason is now fighting a brave battle against amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease.
Then there’s the Pat Tillman Award for Service, named for the former Arizona Cardinals player who gave up a lucrative NFL deal to fight for his country after 9/11, ultimately dying in a battle in Afghanistan. Last year’s recipient was the Buffalo Bills training staff, which literally brought Damar Hamlin back to life on a football field during a game in early 2023.
This year, the award went to … Prince Harry. Because why not?
And, despite a hue and cry from every quarter — including from Tillman’s mom herself, who objected to an immature, self-centered, media-hungry waste of a royal title being honored for “service.”
That didn’t change ESPN’s decision to award him the honor based on the fact that Harry, who served honorably in combat, founded the Invictus Games charity — a Paralympic-style event for wounded vets. This is all very good, but charity is pretty much one of his three jobs on this planet Earth, the other two being not embarrassing the royal family and waiting around patiently (and silently) to see if enough people die to put him in line for the throne.
As you may have heard, he’s done exactly the opposite on the last two counts. Even ESPYs host Serena Williams quipped during Thursday’s ceremony that the Duke and Duchess of Sussex were “taking up too much oxygen” and implored them to “try not to breathe too much tonight.” (Yes, it was a joke, but jokes aren’t funny if they don’t have a kernel of truth in them.)
Do you think Prince Harry deserved it?
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Harry’s speech, alas, was delivered with poker-faced seriousness. (Or “po-facedly,” as the Brits might call it.)
“I’d like to begin by expressing my deepest gratitude to everyone at the Pat Tillman Foundation, led by Marie Tillman Shenton, who I’m so honored is here tonight,” he said.
The British royal continued: “I’d also like to acknowledge the Tillman family, especially Mrs. Mary Tillman, Pat’s mother. Her advocacy for Pat’s legacy is deeply personal and one that I respect. The bond between a mother and son is eternal and transcends even the greatest losses.”
“The truth is, I stand here not as Prince Harry, Pat Tillman Award recipient, but rather a voice on behalf of the Invictus Games Foundation and the thousands of veterans and service personnel from over 20 nations who have made the Invictus Games a reality. This award belongs to them, not to me,” he added.
“That said, it is of great importance to me to highlight these allies, athletes and their amazing families for their achievements, their spirit and their courage at every opportunity — especially on nights like this, in front of people like you. Moments like these help us reach those that need Invictus most and reduce more than 20 veterans a day taking their own lives in this country alone.”
If you have five minutes and want to see how long you can go without letting out a schadenfreude-induced laugh, here’s his remarks in full:
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First things first: If this was all about the Invictus Games and the athletes who participate — and the “award belongs to them, not to me” — why weren’t Invictus Games athletes accepting the award?
At this point, the only people who really believe Prince Harry is worthy of the worship bestowed upon the modern media luminary are people who are so bowled over by celebrity that they hyperventilate in the presence of the guy who voices the GEICO gecko.
Even people with the British tabloids that have that actually have the job title “royal watcher” — and doesn’t that make you glad for Lexington and Concord? — concede that Harry is a bumbling, emotionally fragile mess with a designing spouse that make Edward VIII and Wallis Simpson look positively stalwart and regal by comparison. The only reason he’s not the most despised member of the Windsors is that his uncle just so happens to have been a close friend of Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell and has been credibly accused of having illicit relations with one of Epstein’s underage victims.
I thank the Duke of Sussex for his military service, which he left more than a decade ago. As for the Invictus Games, charity is part of his obligation as a royal, even a non-working one, since he’s barely been doing any work in the interim either. As far as I’m concerned, however, the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers program from “The Big Lebowski” did more to lend credibility of character that was lacking in spades otherwise to its fictional benefactor than the Invictus Games have done for Prince Harry.
Pat Tillman’s mom didn’t want him to get the award. Judging by the reaction on social media, most other people didn’t, either. He went ahead with it anyway, because this is the Prince Harry we’ve always known and loathed. In short: Couldn’t you have at least tried not to take “up too much oxygen” by bowing out, Harry? That would’ve been super.
