Full disclosure: I am not a Colin Cowherd person.
In my experience watching the man — which I try to keep as brief as possible — he comes across as a Skip Bayless-esque contrarian with a more nasal voice and more dramatic pauses. If you find this entertaining, all I can say is that there’s no accounting for taste in this world.
Say what you will, however, at least Cowherd is coherent. Or, at least, was. I’m not entirely sure he’s still in Earth’s orbit after a bizarre rant in the wake of the Shohei Ohtani interpreter scandal, a missive which somehow involved ripping on those who felt there was election fraud in 2020 and not-infrequent mentions of hippie lettuce.
The Thursday clip came in the wake of the firing of Ohtani’s interpreter, Ippei Mizuhara, by the Los Angeles Dodgers after it was alleged by Ohtani’s representatives that Mizuhara stole millions of dollars to gamble with an illegal bookmaker who’s currently being investigated by the feds, The Athletic reported.
“In the course of responding to recent media inquiries, we discovered that Shohei has been the victim of a massive theft, and we are turning the matter over to the authorities,” said the firm representing Ohtani, the Japanese pitcher and designated hitter who signed a $700 million contract with the Dodgers in December.
However, the arrest prompted a bit of vague theorizing in the media, although nobody was willing to say outright that this may indeed be something deeper.
“For years, it was nearly impossible to see Shohei Ohtani anywhere without his longtime interpreter, Ippei Mizuhara, just a few steps away. On Thursday, following Mizuhara’s abrupt firing over his involvement with illegal gambling, it was almost impossible to see Ohtani at all,” The Athletic noted in a follow-up report.
ESPN, meanwhile, reported that initial accounts from Mizuhara and others indicated that Ohtani had agreed to cover his interpreter’s gambling debts before Mizuhara and others backed off that story, insisting that Ohtani knew nothing of his activities.
This led plenty of sports pundits who need something to talk about in the midst of a thus-far dreadfully boring March Madness tournament speculating that maybe Ohtani was involved. None was more willing to get stuck in — and none was less intelligible in his arguments — than Cowherd, who’s currently on Fox Sports 1. (Because apparently just having Skip Bayless on the network isn’t enough to make you want to turn it off.
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“So, I grew up in Washington state,” Cowherd’s conspiracy theory take began. “Everybody smoked pot. My mailman, my neighbors, my principal. I’ve never been outraged by cannabis. I smoked it too — I mean … briefly. Maybe once or twice.”
The rest of Cowherd’s rant may lead you to believe the use was more extensive than that.
“So long before presidents were comfortable, I was,” Cowherd said, presumably referencing Bill Clinton’s alleged lack of inhalation. “I understand in America — this is what gray hair gives you, this is what the gray has given me — people are going to bet on sports, smoke pot, have sex and drink. You’re completely naive if you think you can govern it.
“It’s the way it works in America. We like our liberties and our freedoms. Authoritarian politicians don’t work. And the election wasn’t rigged.”
Well, that jab at Trump supporters came out of left field. Cowherd went on to run down the generalities of the story and how it “sounds a little shady” (you don’t say?) and said it looked “like a coverup.” (I repeat myself — you don’t say?)
“Why am I not outraged?” Cowherd asked. “Because I have gray hair and I’ve lived the life. There are thousands of illegal bookmakers in California. You can’t bet legally in most parts because of politicians and red tape. Shocker: Politicians get in the way of fun again, be it sex, smoking a joint, drinking.”
He added that the situation was “built for conspiracy theories. My guess is two young kids — Ohtani and his interpreter — are best friends. It’s baseball. There’s a lot of downtime and they got a lot of money and they bet. I know, I know it’s probably a coverup.
“You ever heard of ‘Who’s on First?’” he said, referring to the Abbott and Costello routine about baseball. “This is ‘Who Bet First?’”
“People are gonna bet on sports, smoke pot, have sex and drink. You’re completely naive if you think you can govern it. It’s the way it works in America. We like our liberties and our freedoms. Authoritarian politicians don’t work. And the election wasn’t rigged.” pic.twitter.com/4HJXxVoG06
— Awful Announcing (@awfulannouncing) March 21, 2024
Now, for starters, let’s state the bloody obvious: Illegal gambling is illegal. It’s literally one of the words in the description “illegal gambling.” Whether or not you like the law has no bearing on whether or not it’s 1) in existence and 2) constitutional.
Furthermore, while there’s no evidence that Ohtani himself placed the bets, but loaning someone money to cover his illegal gambling debts — as one of the initial excuses entailed — probably isn’t going to make the folks at Major League Baseball all too happy, particularly given the fact that Ohtani is undoubtedly the sport’s biggest global star.
That being said, there’s no evidence that links him to illegal gambling. And, had he been playing for the Seattle Mariners back when Colin Cowherd was growing up in THC-soaked Washington state, just because “everybody smoked pot” wouldn’t mean his urine sample wouldn’t be enough to get him a hefty suspension were he a partaker.
And, as for the non sequitur about voting: The blowhard doth protest too much, methinks. As if there wasn’t enough libertine politics in this rant already, we have to hear about “election denial” and the like, apropos of nothing. Was this part of a larger point or did he just lose his train of thought? My guess is the latter.
Please, Mr. Cowherd, I beseech you: Be less comfortable with cannabis. The coherency of your rants may depend on it. I mean, not that I’m saying you smoke it, I’m just saying there’s every bit as much evidence in this segment that you’re not stone-cold sober as there is that Shohei Ohtani bet on baseball.
