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January 23, 2024

I can’t remember her name, but I remember what she said.  Speaking to a crowd who were trying to deal with the realization that big business and big government had conned them, she said, “COVID is not a pandemic.  It is a business plan.”

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In honor of that clever young woman, I dedicate this business plan to her.

I will call my new business Electric Vehicle Accessories — EVA for short, because we all need a another acronym to memorize.  EVA is an attempt to jump on the electric vehicle (E.V.) bandwagon before it veers off into the ditch.  EVA will offer valuable accessories to solve a few minor shortfalls in the current electric vehicle product offering.

We (I use the word “we” to suggest I’m not alone in this) cannot do anything about the problem that E.V.s cost much more than comparable cars with internal combustion engines.  In fact, we propose to add to the cost with accessories that will save the E.V. concept from the darkness of disinterest.

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Any marketing expert will tell you that you don’t sell the steak; you sell the sizzle.  My plan covers that.  We propose to hire an EVA spokeswoman.  Old folks will remember (and young’ins should look it up) Dinah Shore singing, “See the USA in your Chevrolet!”  GM couldn’t make ’em fast enough when that lady started to sing!  She was easy on the eyes, too.  Alas, we lost Dinah in ’94.

The ideal spokesperson for this project is Francesca Marlene de Czanyi von Gerber (AKA Mitzi Gaynor).  She could sing, she could dance, and she made the guys’ heads turn.  The song “There Is Nothing like a Dame” brushed out all other thoughts.  Mitzi is the sizzle.  We will call her Eva for this role.

What does Eva sell?  Several trim levels of a towable trailer loaded with electric vehicle accessories (EVAs) that will correct most of the drawbacks of the electric vehicle.

E.V.s are short on range and long on charge times.  Instead of driving where they want to go, E.V. drivers wander from charge station to charge station and then park in line to await their turn at the electron spigot.  “Not anymore,” says Eva.  “With our basic model booster trailer, you can make the whole trip without needing charging stations.”  How do we propose to do that?  Each of our trailers has a small windmill on a hinged frame.  When the batteries run down, you stop and simply erect the windmill to begin charging.

No wind?  No problem.  The trailer is covered with solar panels.  The driver merely disconnects the trailer from the E.V. and aims the array of solar panels at the sun.  Forget those difficult to find, broken down, cold, and windy charging stations with their long lines: you have wind and solar at your beck and call.

So you ask, “What happens if the wind doesn’t blow and the sun doesn’t shine?  After all, night follows day, every day, and the wind doesn’t tend to blow at night.  “We got you covered,” Eva will tell prospective buyers.  They will turn to look at Eva and forget sun, wind, and even nighttime skies full of stars.  Eva will tell them, “We have Honda generators in the trailer.”  Everybody is familiar with Honda portable generators.  On second thought, make that “semi-portable” — but you can ask a nearby stranger to help you lift one or two out of the trailer and pull the starter cords.  In a few minutes (depending on the foot traffic where you stop and the availability of kind strangers), you will be charging, and — in just a few hours — you will be on your way again.