It ain’t easy being white.
I should know. On the Caucasian paleness spectrum, I’m perilously close to albino. I’ve seen cadavers with more color than moi. In a snowy landscape, I’m practically invisible!
And I’ve lived my long, happy life thinking that the prevailing American culture has been all about respect for others, no matter which sex, no matter how different in appearance, no matter the level of melanin in their skin.
Yet I woke up one morning, not too long ago, and found out that it was perfectly fine to discriminate against exactly one group of Americans: white people! And not only could you get away with dissing, demeaning, and disparaging Whitey in public, but it turns out there’s only one shade of American who’s even capable of racism.
Who, you ask?
Why, Whitey, that’s who! You can say the most awful, despicable things about palefaces in general because — they’re the only racists!
Circular logic, anyone?
Trying hard to understand the presumably sentient bipedal life forms of all hues and shades who actually believe such tripe, I asked myself: what have white people ever done for us, huh?
Well, they formulated the polio vaccine, which, unlike the COVID vaccines, actually prevented both the acquisition and transmission of that terrible disease.
And the telephone — OK, Whitey did that. And the electric light bulb. And cardiac bypass surgery — those awful Caucasians somehow developed that life-saving technique. But beyond that?
Um, they built the printing press, the Sistine Chapel, and the Brooklyn Bridge. They invented the light bulb, the combustion engine, and the airplane.
Yeah, but except for that, what have light-hued people ever really accomplished?
Well, they discovered America, founded the thirteen colonies, and wrote the U.S. Constitution and Bill of Rights, and many thousands of them died to abolish slavery.
Nevertheless, white folks are somehow now deemed the bad guy and must do penance for past offenses, based on what their distant relatives may, or may not, have done.
Sounds fair to me!
So what’s a white guy to do?
Educate Yourself
You could read Robin DiAngelo’s White Fragility and try to realize that you’re inherently racist, whether you know it or not, a view our first half-black president avidly subscribed to. Imagine how turbulent Barry O’s heart, mind, and soul must be, knowing he’s half–white supremacist!
Or you could peruse Dr. Ibram Kendi’s How to Be an Anti-Racist, and realize it’s high time you got your richly deserved racial comeuppance.
Go to College
You may be old, pale, and inherently racist, but you’re never too old to matriculate. Consider taking college-level courses to help you understand white privilege, intersectionality, colonialism, and reparations. Spend many thousands of dollars studying white rage, subconscious race discrimination, and white power structures. And then hope our pretend president wins re-election and subsequently forgives the student debt of anyone stupid enough to have spent thousands of dollars on such absolute poppycock.
Fake It
If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.
White and got high cheekbones? Pretend you’re Native American, like Liz Warren. Gets you a plum teaching position at Harvard.
Have a penchant for fibs, dark makeup, and curling irons? Pretend you’re a black woman, like Rachael Dolezal. Gets you a high-paying gig with the NAACP.
Got a thing for donning blackface, like Ralph Northam, Jimmy Kimmel, or Justin Trudeau? It’s perfectly fine, if you’re the right (leftist) kind of white guy.
Prostrate Yourself
Just surrender, already.
As some NYPD officers did during the mostly-peaceful BLM riots. Just kneel on the pavement and confess the sins your distant ancestors may, or may not, have committed. If you must, have a George Floyd likeness tattooed on your sad, pale epidermis.
Or observe a moment of silence for St. George (the deceased criminal druggie, not the dragon-slayer) by wrapping yourself in Kente (not Kendi) cloth and kneeling down on the Capitol Building floor, like Nancy Pelosi and some other rather pallid Democrat losers did back in 2020. Like they care.
Keep It Gay
You’re white, and you’re the worst. What to do?
Well, do what Mel Brooks’s “Roger DeBris” would do. Keep it light, keep it bright, keep it gay!
That’s right: ride on through to the other side, take a walk on the wild side, embrace the love that dares not speak its name.
Gayness is the perfect antidote to whiteness. You’re a victim of the patriarchy — whatever that is — and you subsequently score significant points in the victim hierarchy. Only thing worse than a Caucasian is a straight one, amirite?
Pray for a Better Time
As the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King would say, I have a dream.
And the same way so many Americans in the past fought for the rights of black, Hispanic, Asian, and other minority citizens, I say it’s time we stopped denigrating white folks.
It’s time we valued the hard work, studiousness, punctuality, and lawfulness of every American, no matter the color of his skin.
It’s high time we judged people by the quality of their character, not the inborn and unchangeable — unless you’re Michael Jackson — shade of their skin.
It’s past time to remove from office the indolent swine who peddle anti-white crap just to keep us at one another’s throats and thereby enrich themselves.
Let’s face it: every ethnic group known to man fears “the other.” It takes courage, maturity, and an abiding love for your fellow man to rise above the crowd. Prejudice, frankly, is the human condition.
So all the halfwits presently hating Whitey are the exact sort of tools who hold the human race back, the same kind of jerks who formerly hated blacks, Hispanics, Asians, or whatever.
But what would I know? I’m white.
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