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June 30, 2022
Now, I know that libs are mighty upset about the recent Supreme Court decision overturning Roe v. Wade. Add to this the undeniable fact that liberals, led by the likes of Crusty Joe, Dumbo Harris, and America’s favorite bartender, Ms. Occasional-Cortex, are generally none too bright.
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But let’s face it, libs, angry and stupid is no way to go through life. So as a public service to dummies all across the fruited plains, I’ve put together a FAQ on the current state of abortion in the U.S.
For added realism, imagine all the questions spoken in a whiny, petulant voice by some soft, lumpen incel like, say, Brian Stelter.
So now, after this terrible, no-good, horrible Supreme Court ruling, abortion is illegal?
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No, women can still snuff their unborn babies at will. All the Supreme Court decision does is allow individual states to vote on laws determining the degree of baby-killing allowed in their state.
It’s called democracy.
But what about states that might totally outlaw abortion?
Should you live in such a state, the answer is clear. Just hop on a train or board a plane. There are plenty of Democrat-run states that’ll be fine with butchering your unborn child, just buy a ticket to one. If you work for Disney, hell, they’ll pay your way!
Aside: Do you think Walt Disney ever, in his wildest nightmares, imagined his kid-centered empire one day offering to help snuff unborn babies? Morality aside, wouldn’t that be killing your potential customers?
Why should other people get to decide what happens to my body?
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Sorry to break this to you, cupcake, but there’s lots of folks on the Left, like little Lord Fauci, who just love deciding what should happen to your body. See vaccinations, mandatory COVID-19.
Given the chance, libs would also make you ride dangerous mass transit, dance around contaminated needles and poop on the sidewalk, wear a sweater in your cold house, and eat bugs. Heck, they’d love to mutilate your kid’s genitals without your permission! No one loves deciding what you should do with your body more than Democrats.
Deal with it.
But what about my Constitutional right to an abortion?
The U.S. Constitution, should you ever read it, says precisely nothing about abortion. The so-called right to abortion was made up out of a “penumbra.”
What’s a “penumbra”?
The partially shaded outer region of a shadow cast by an opaque object, such as yourself. Pro tip: When your argument is based on shadows, you’ve lost.
But all the polls say most Americans support abortion. Won’t they simply vote for abortion up to and including kindergarten, when given the chance?
First of all, polls are mostly fake news meant to support Democrats. I mean, according to polls, almost 20% of Americans think the economy is in great shape and nearly 40% of those polled think Crusty Joe’s doing a fabulous job. Doesn’t get much faker than that.
Secondly, now that we’ve discarded penumbras and fake-news polls, we’ll find out exactly how America feels about ripping fully-formed humans (beginning of second trimester) out of a woman’s womb limb-by-limb. Hint: After voters have their say, expect even more psychotic hair-pulling, teeth-gnashing, and garment rending on Libs of TikTok.
What about all the female protestors threatening to withhold sex if their ability to off inconvenient kids is abridged?
Have you taken a good look at those protestors? I’m sorry, but there’s not enough Jack Daniels in the world to make anyone want to get down with them, much less have to lie there and listen to their infantile musings afterward.
That’s one strike I think we can all support.
But won’t states having different abortion laws cause a serious rift in our country, possible even a civil war?
The rift’s already here, pal. As it worsens, people will have to decide whether they want to live in a Republican state or one that loves criminals, illegal aliens, dismembered fetuses, homeless encampments, welfare queens, COVID restrictions, sky-high taxes, and mostly-peaceful riots should a black person be shot by a cop anywhere, anytime, and for any reason. Tough choice, there.
As for civil war, it’s simply not gonna happen. But if it does, I’d put my money on the side that owns, maintains, and knows how to handle guns. Libs bearing arms are mainly a threat to cinematographers.
Now that the Supreme Court has overturned one penumbra-based “right,” won’t they come after other legally-shaky rulings liberal justices have pushed through over the years?
You bet!
Isn’t this sea-change of ideas over abortion rights, all Donald J. Trump’s fault?
It is. You nailed it there, comrade.
You should also blame Trump for the current Court rightfully ruling that concealed carry is necessary for self-defense, especially in wild-West Democrat hellholes; and that praying in public is a protected civil right, just like the BLMers’ right to block traffic, vandalize buildings, and burn cop cars in a mostly-peaceful manner.
But won’t this country be deeply and irreversibly changed if Trump is elected again in ’24 (an audible shudder, followed by quiet weeping)?
Mais oui! And I, for one, can’t wait for the return of the Ultra-MAGA King. It will be nice to not have to dip into my retirement account to fill up my car.
And for helping me with my FAQ, John Q. Liberal, here’s a box of Krispy Kreme donuts, a little pamphlet on birth control, and some Kleenex tissues for your tears.
Image: American Life League
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