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December 3, 2022

The Fairfax County, Virginia School Board has “educated me” that babies are “assigned gender” at birth, and I have some questions. 

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My first question is, what is the department in the hospital that assigns genders to newborns called?  Because if you call a hospital and ask for the “gender assignment department,” they don’t seem to know what you are talking about.  I’ve called eight hospitals so far.  Not one of them seems to have a department that assigns gender to newborns.  

Is the impossible to call or locate gender assignment department at my nearest hospital some kind of secret society, like the Freemasons?  The Cabbagestork Rite?  Wearing bibs and binkies and placing non-binary dolls on a Ouija board in the Denver Airport in order to determine if you are having a boy or a girl?

There are questions beyond the who and how of hiding an entire department in hospitals… never mind who might be behind this insidious assignment bureau.  How exactly is “gender assignment” done?  Does the baby come out looking like a Ken doll, and does the doctor reach into a bag of genitals and select a set to attach to the baby at random?  Since the doctors seem to mess this procedure up by installing the wrong genitals with increasing frequency, do they also put the wrong race genitals on babies?  Or is the “misassignment” a clerical  thing?  Does the doctor check a box “M” or “F,” and then the genitals develop on their own because of suggestion by the medical staff?

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And why did the medical community tell us that the gender of a baby could be determined by looking at an ultrasound prior to birth?  If the baby isn’t assigned a gender until birth, how can the baby’s gender show up on an ultrasound before birth (gender assignment) has occurred?  Or does gender assignment happen while the baby is in the womb when an ultrasound is used?

Is it possible to have a Schrödinger’s Gender?  If no one bothers to assign the baby a gender, does it become nonbinary, with they/them pronouns? 

And isn’t the crime of “misgendering” actually the fault of the hospital employee who filled out the birth certificate incorrectly in the first place?  When I look at Bruce Jenner and (“incorrectly”) say, “He’s a male,” that is a hate crime called “misgendering.”  However, I wouldn’t be able to do that had the hospital not assigned Bruce the wrong gender to begin with.  I’m not the only one to have “misgendered” Bruce, either.  The United States Olympic Committee, the International Olympic Committee, General Mills…all misgendered poor Bruce his entire life.  He was put forth as this paragon of masculinity and competitive strength,  but the reality was lacy panties and a Birken Bag.  (Seems Wheaties should get some kind of refund.)  Had the hospital simply put that Bruce was actually a girl, there would have been no question about his gender.  He could have gone through life like my mother, with no one mistaking him for a man, ever…right?

One of my neighbors growing up had eleven daughters.   He had confided to me once that he had so many children only because he wanted a son, and never got one.  I’m sitting here 40 years later wondering why Mr. Smith (not his real name, but this was rural Utah, so you get one guess at what his real name was) didn’t just bribe the country doctor (his first cousin) to assign male gender to his first eight children so he could stop bothering his wife for more kids!

Why didn’t the Chinese Government have doctors assign “boy” to the families who wanted a male during China’s “one child” policy?  It seems a whole lot easier than killing a child so the family can “try again.”

Where do the people who assign baby genders get educated?  And what is the degree in?  A medical doctor is someone who observes, makes a determination of what he is observing, and acts according to established protocols.  However, someone who is assigning gender is not observing; he is determining what is to be observed, which is an entirely different process.  How exactly does one train in order to assign a gender?  Play pin the tail on the donkey?  Throw cabbages at a stork?